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Early on in the life of Ziggybackride, I wrote a persuasive, lucid, well-thought-out piece on "The Most Disturbing Thing in My House." (at least that's what others seemed to think about it!) The title of the entry referred to the toilet brush. I asked then why, in our society, we did not have access to a disposable toilet brush. I asked why we should keep our bodily filth in a corner in the bathroom. I asked important questions. I demanded answers.

A new day has dawned, my friends! Presumably because of pressure exerted on the household products industry by avid readers of this site (I can't imagine any other possibilities), someone is now making a toilet bowl cleaner with disposable cleaning heads. Our dream has become a reality!

Now, the possibilities are endless. Now, we know that if we can but imagine, we can accomplish. We must now dream new dreams. We must commit ourselves to the noblest of causes. There were generations before us who could never have imagined the disposable toilet brush. What will the generations to come bring to this world of ours? I am humbled by the possibilities!

I read a news story the other day about a potentially groundbreaking scientific discovery. Apparently, a planet that has physical properties that are relatively similar to Earth's has been spotted and plotted. (That's like the poor man's "turn and burn" for astronomers.) This discovery resulted from the use of a new technology that scientists hope will help us answer the age-old question of whether we are alone in the universe. Pretty exciting stuff.

I continued reading, wondering something akin to, "Huh! That's pretty interesting. How far away is this new planet?" My question was soon answered. The new planet is estimated to be about 20,000 light years away. "Huh!" I repeated to myself, "20,000 - that sounds like a lot, but I don't remember how many miles a light year is exactly." I didn't have to wonder long. The article - astutely anticipating my and potentially other readers' lack of memory on the subject - mentioned that a light year was approximately 6 trillion miles. So, for those keeping score at home, the new planet, which may or may not be suitable for life forms similar to those living on Earth, is about 20,000 x 6,000,000,000,000 miles away.

"Huh," I thought yet again, "these scientists must be out of their mother&%$(@^# minds!"

If the nearest possibility of life forms similar to ours is 120,000,000,000,000,000 ( I wanted you to see the number) miles away, then I and any (other) idiot on this planet can answer the age-old question. WE ARE ALONE! We're not packing up the car and driving over there for the family reunion! Not even if it's over a long weekend. Even if that planet is exactly like Earth, populated by our identical twins; even if they have Texas Longhorn football there; or even if it's better than Earth and their Taco Bells still have the old lowfat "Border Light" menu that I so enjoyed because it offered all of the taste without all the guilt; even if they aren't dependent on foreign oil*; even if all these things and more were true... we're not gonna be visiting.

I think it's time for us to put aside what must be the universe's most outlandish insecurity and stop looking. We'll just have to come to grips with the fact that we 6 or 7 billion Earthlings are all alone.

*There is a distinct possibility that the search was not for an answer to the age-old question, at all, but instead, an expedition to locate more foreign oil for our eventual consumption. Probably not, though, because last night President Bush outlined plans to make more fuel from corn and stalks and leaves. He must have read my post from May 9, 2005.

LAUGH WITH ZIGGY!!!

the online home of comedian Michael Danziger

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

The Dawn of a New Day...

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Ultimate Insecurity